2014

Happy New Year!

As you may have seen on Twitter or Facebook, the Hubster and I celebrated fairly simply and had a lot of fun with just the two of us and the two dogs we're petsitting. We played Monopoly (he won), sipped champagne, watched The Fall of Sam Axe, and hid under the table with the pups when the fireworks freaked them out. You think I'm joking:

Yesterday we dutifully, and delightedly ate our pork roast, kraut, black eyed peas, greens, and cornbread. I was very pleased that I managed to cook all of the above--four first times in one meal was a bit daunting--especially the greens which I bought fresh! I was glad I had saved some of our Christmas ham in the freeze for flavoring the beans and greens, too. yummmm.

Anyway, I also spent some time reflecting over the past couple of days, looking back at 2013 and ahead to 2014. I thought a lot about the "hats" I wear. 

I became a wife in 2013--a role that I love and am still growing into. 

I learned a lot about being a daughter, a friend, an adult. 

In light of two of my best friends' moms dying this past year, I have been both mourner and comforter, prayer and prayed for. We carry that weight with us into 2014--a weight of grief and a weight of the hope of glory. We're all hoping that this year brings renewed joy and peace as we weave memory and hope into our hearts. 

I continue to be a student, and, for maybe the first time in my life, I struck a healthier balance between schoolwork and the rest of my life. I was astonished that, other than in French which is really hard, my grades didn't change that much even though my quality of life did. 

I started a business, too--something that maybe surprised me as much as anyone else. Mes Aventures, Crafts & Co. started as an art shop about place and has already morphed a bit to be about all kinds of life adventures--big and small. With this rather big leap I became an entrepreneur/ small business owner and, of all things, a professional artist. 

I don't ever remember not wanting to be an artist. Whatever else I was pursuing, I always seemed to add "and an artist." in my head and heart. But after about age 6, it was always like that--a sort of afterthought. 

And yet, here I am, a newlywed in 2014 (another thing I didn't see coming ;-) ), who has decided to take a break from the education required for all those other pursuits (after I finish my B.A. this semester), to encourage and grow the "afterthought." 

But now that I "really am" an artist, I find myself paralyzed with fear of my own inadequacy. 

I didn't go to art school--I'm a lit student, teacher, and budding linguist by training. I find myself spending plenty of time thinking about art and much less time doing it. I want that to change. I don't want to just pursue the idea of art or creativity. I want to embrace and act upon them. 

So, a couple of days ago, I sat down with journal and tea to make a plan. (Just ask April: I love plans. She can tell you, too, that things rarely go according to plan.)

 Across one page I scrawled the words of Andy Warhol:

"Don't think about making art, just get it done. Let everyone else decide if its good or bad whether they love it or hate it. While they are deciding, make even more art."

That's where I'm heading this year. As I create, I know my skills will improve, as will my focus and routine. 

Maybe by the end of 2014 I won't feel so sheepish when I tell people I'm an artist. ;-) 

Adventure well; Live fully. 

HAK

Faithful, not Perfect

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor;

the enemy of the people.

It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life."

~Anne Lamott

Those of you who know me may be thinking, "Yeah, HAK, about time you figured that out." 
Yeah, yeah I guess it is. 

The greatest expectations I face are the ones I put on myself. I expect too much. I want to do it all. 
Perfectly. 
I still kind of want to do "it all," or at least a little bit of everything. But I'm learning to let go of the perfect part. 

I still want a huge mess of kids. 

I still want to teach--though I'm less sure of when or where or in what role than I used to be. 

I still want a lot of pets--though I think a cow and chickens might be added to the list. 

I still want to paint and write and knit--oh wait, I'm doing that with Mes Aventures, Crafts & Co. and this blog! :-) 

I still want to travel--though when and how is up in the air, but that's maybe half the fun...

But I know there will be days when I'm impatient with the munchkins...

...when I don't get my grading done or when, maybe, I don't make the grade. 

...when I want to turn the cow into steak.

...when I never want to put myself out there in an attempt to sell products ever again.

...when I don't want to leave the house. 

But I'm not called to be perfect. 

I'm called to be faithful. 

These last few months are maybe the first time I've started to be okay with that.

I've told y'all before that I'm a business owner, (now) blogger, student, and wife. The Hubster and I got married 6 months and 1 day ago. I promised myself that I would do it all...perfectly. I would keep the house clean, cook, work, and study--and my GPA would not just stay the same, it would be better. After all, I'm only taking 14 hours, right? HA!
The house is usually picked up, but I don't mop every week any more. You know, we're all fine with that.
I do still cook, but more often in the crockpot. Again, no shame there. Crock pot soup is yummyyyy.
Work, hey, I started a company. I'm not a Fortune 500, but I loooove my job.
That GPA thing. It didn't get better, but it's still quite self-respecting. The perfectionist within has been screaming all semester that I'm a slacker and should get my act together. But, other than relatively minor bouts of stress where I've listened to that voice, I've taken steps toward more balance than I've had before.
I do what needs to be done. I do it well, but I'm not killing myself. And, do you know what, it's a wonderful thing to have time and energy to go to the gym, cook, create, even read a bit, spend time with friends, and babysit. I love it. I feel life my life is full and rich. I love that, once the hubster gets home, I pack all the homework up, and we spend a couple hours watching Burn Notice, playing games, and reading old favorites like Cheaper by the Dozen and My Side of the Mountain. And, perhaps most surprising of all, I sleep well and (usually) enough each night.

So why won't that little voice shut up?
What is it about our lives that is so out of whack that I feel a twinge of guilt when I choose to work on a painting or my knitting rather than putting those hours into writing the perfect Sociolinguistics essay?
Think about that, I'll get back to it in a second...

Until maybe a month ago, I assumed I would go to grad school as soon as I graduated with my BA. At one point I even looked at attending Oxford (and if spousal visas to England hadn't been so complicated, I might have spent last weekend in Atlanta interviewing for a scholarship, but alas, that opportunity ended before it began because you can bet your bottom dollar that I'm not going to spend months on end away from the hubster). But as the time came to apply, I became increasingly uneasy about the student debt that would be involved, the time, starting the school thing all over again, etc. After weeks of angst, a lot of time in prayer, and conversations with a few close people, John and I came to a place of peace. For right now, barring some variable we don't see at the moment, I'm going to take some time off after I graduate and see what life after school looks like--focus on Mes Aventures, Crafts & Co., maybe work at Barnes and Noble, get involved at church, breathe. Maybe the MAT will come in a year, maybe 25, I don't know, but I think that's okay.

But why was it such a hard decision?
Why have I struggled with guilt over, shall we say, "tweaking" my achievement expectations?
(here's a hint in case you've been up on the conversation at Covenant College this Fall--it has nothing to do with technology).

We live in a world where all of us are increasingly pressured to DO and BE something. And if our results, our DOING and BEING, cannot be measured in some way, we feel a twinge of failure. I probably won't achieve Summa Cum Laude next Spring. Two years from now, I probably won't be changing lives in a middle school classroom by being the best English teacher ever (haha). I wanted those things. Part of me still does. But I am not any less by not being or doing them. I'm still a child of God, and maybe His calling right now is more about living and learning than doing or being.

We are not called or meant to DO or BE in and of ourselves.
We are followers. Disciples.

I quit the rat race, y'all.
That doesn't mean I don't want to live life for all it's worth anymore--it means I DO want to live life for all its worth.
Sometimes that will mean hard work, stress, achievement.
Sometimes it will mean a cup of tea with friends when I "should" be elsewhere.
Remember what I said in my post about the old, comfy sweater? Stuff, even GPAs, don't last.
People do.
Invest in relationship, encouragement, growth.
Invest in love.

To tweak Steve Brown,
"Let's think about that. Amen."

Adventure well; Live fully.
HAK

PS I still teared up a bit when my French oral assignment was less than awesome this evening...it's a process... 

Fun Facts...

How about a little "behind the scenes" tour at Mes Aventures, Crafts & Co. tonight? 

Let's see...you already know that I'm a newlywed finishing up an English undergrad, but I guess that's just about about it. For starters, here's ten fun facts about me:

1) I live on top of a mountain. My school is the highest point of the mountain accessible by car. Yes, by Georgia standards at least, it is colder up here than in the valley.  

Covenant College. Lookout Mountain, GA. 

 

2)  I love fish. Yes, I enjoy eating them (remind me to post about how I bake fish sometime), but I'm talking in general. Not eating, not fishing, just fish. I'm absolutely in love with the Tennessee Aquarium. Also, I've had 5 goldfish, a betta, and a tank of guppies (that was for quite a few years). I tried to get another betta this summer, but it turned into a cat. That's a whole 'nother story, though. 

The Proper Care of Guppies

by Stan Shubel

Don't ask how many times I've read this. 

3) I'm mostly a self-taught artist and knitter. I've had a lot of nudges along the way and some good tugs to get me un-stuck at times, but I don't have an art degree, and I've never been to a knitting class.  

Many thanks to whoever created this little 

gem of brilliance! 

4) I love Burn Notice. a lot. I would say "too much," but I'm in denial. If you don't believe me, go back a couple months on my twitter to the time of the season 7 finale. In a perfect world, Fi would be my alter ego. 

5) Speaking of Burn Notice, I don't look like Gabrielle Anwar when I paint, but I wish I did. 

6) I really enjoy cooking. And the best part? So does the hubster. He makes awesome bread that looks like this: 

 7) This is harder than I thought, y'all... let's see... I've been to 46 states and 45 state capitols. We have Utah, Idaho, Washington, Alaska, and Hawaii left. Which state do you think I've been to but not been to the capitol? 

 

 Thank you, Robert Quigley of geekosystem.com.

8) Most of my overseas travel has been to South East Asia: India (3 times), Indonesia, and Cambodia (I've also been to Guatemala and the UK). 

 9) I have far more books than the average person. You thought I was exaggerating.... Those wood shelves are 6 feet tall, built by the hubster (and this doesn't include the majority of my children's lit books...).

10) I'm a Christian. That may be kind of obvious if you a) know me or b) have been reading these posts regularly, but it's something y'all should know. If it bothers you, I'm going to do my very best not to make you feel uncomfortable on here. If you want to challenge me, please, I'd love to talk. But I'm not going to avoid it. I'm going to be real about my faith, just as I would expect you, dear readers, to be honest about yours. This is a safe, fun place. Let's be honest with each other. 

WHEW! Ten things was more of a task than I expected! I don't know if that means I'm super interesting or super boring...hm... 
Anyway, I was going to also share about our little Burrow, but my list ended up being a bit longer than planned. Maybe next time! :-)

Until then, Adventure well; Live fully. 
HAK 


PS Pretty please leave your comments below! (Like what you think the answer to the question in #7 is!) :-)

PPS Bonus Fact: 11) I speak French, well, a little. I'm taking classes. I love it more than I am good at it. haha.